Special plans

Guess what I'm doing tommorow?  Well, actually a lot as usual.  But I am going to add one unexpected thing to my list. 
I'm going to lay down on the floor when the sun shines through the window.  It's going to do that right?  It better.  And I am going to close my eyes and feel the warmth on my skin and just be in the moment.  No thoughts and no cares.  Just me and the sun.  I can't wait. 

* 9 more posts until the big 200 and my blog makeover and something else I have planned...

Something personal, but worth sharing

I'm going to share some very personal and real emotions and I wouldn't do this if it wasn't for the great friends I have made through my blog and the wonderful friends I have made in "real life", although some of my friends here have become real life friends.

I have had some real struggles over the last few weeks. Without going into all the details, I will just say that I have been fighting a spiritual and emotional battle and had gotten to the point where I really just gave up and started questioning a lot of things that I had always know to be true.
I know exactly why this happened to me though. I was getting very serious in my relationship with God. I was reading of His life, and I was learning more about Him and feeling complete love and joy in my personal relationship with my Savior. I fully believe that there is a dark soul (Satan) who hates to see us grow closer to God and will do whatever he can to destroy us both spiritually and emotionally. I also believe that he knows us better than we might know ourselves and knows just where our weaknesses lie and in which ways he can manipulate us.
Well, I learned that I am not untouchable. But I have also learned that I have an inner strength and with the help of my Father in Heaven I am stronger than anything that might try to ruin my spirit.
Like I said, I reached a point where I gave up. I felt like I had reached my limit and I just didn't have the strength to save myself any longer. But in desperation I spoke to the Lord (which I had been doing a lot less often). I told him if I was really supposed to do what I had been taught was right, I needed His help. I needed Him to give me the strength. I went through about an hour of complete torment. The battle between good and evil was SO STRONG and I was scared and panicked. I asked in prayer what I should do and immediately I heard a very familiar voice in my mind tell me to go get my scriptures. Being as difficult as I am, I tried to put it off and do something else first, but still the voice came even more urgent. Go get your scriptures right now. And I did. But I didn't know where to turn for the answers or strength that I needed. I told Him that. He told me to open them. I told Him to tell me where to turn. I opened them. I looked at the scripture before my eyes and knew immediately that I was being shown the answer. No other scripture could've said what I needed to hear so badly, as this one did. I was immediately filled with comfort and answers and most of all strength, and I dropped to my knees in prayer. Immediately I felt the evil and confusion leave. Immediately I knew what I had to do and that everything would be okay. I was not lost, only temporarily blinded.
God saved me when I couldn't save myself. He was and is my Saving Grace.
And I am stronger than I ever thought and it feels good to know that. Good can and does prevail and I want to be on the good side so that when this life is over I can face my Maker and He will know I lived my life for Him and did my best without giving up.

I know the battle is not over. But, I will keep fighting and living my life the way God tells me to.

In the last few days, there have been two songs that have said what I feel .




I do believe that we are given an inner strength and that the Light of Christ is given to each of us. But if we try to do it without Him we will always fail. He makes me strong and this next song really says it all.
(And you all know how I love African children, so I chose to post this version of the song):




If you don't know the Lord, open up your heart and let Him in. He will teach you more than you could ever imagine.
I have so much to be thankful for tonight. Wonderful friends who are there for me and who are the best examples to me (thanks Cindy), my beautiful children who I sometimes don't deserve. My husband who keeps trying, and puts up with my emotions. I am immensely grateful to my loving parents for teaching me to love and trust the Lord. They gave me a stable foundation to build on and I am forever grateful to them for that. Most of all, I am thankful for the relationship that I can have with my Savior. I am thankful to Him for reminding me what is really important and what I am working towards.

My Theme Song

For a while I have been wanting to do a weekly (or so) post with a musical theme. The plan is to choose one song each week or so that has some kind of meaning for me or that I just plain love, and to share it with all of you. I don't have a name for it yet so if you guys have any creative ideas of what to call this regular post let me know in the comments please.


Have you ever thought about what your theme song would be? What I mean is, if there is a song that just kind of sums up your life or gives you hope or inspiration, what would it be? I think there are a lot of songs that could sum up certain parts of my life. But there's one song that has been really standing out to me lately. And that song is...

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

I know when most people think of Miley Cyrus they think of 10 year olds screaming and going crazy. But if you have never listened to the words of this song, you should. The words are so great and they give me inspiration. Here is the music video and the lyrics are posted below it:

I can almost see it

That dream I'm dreaming but

There's a voice inside my head sayin,

You'll never reach it,

Every step I'm taking,

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking but I

Got to keep trying

Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain

I'm always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,

Ain't about how fast I get there,

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes they knock me down but

No I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm going to remember most yeah

Just got to keep going

And I,

I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain

I'm always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,

Ain't about how fast I get there,

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain

I'm always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes you going to have to lose,

Ain't about how fast I get there,

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

Keep on moving

Keep climbing

Keep the faith baby

It's all about

It's all about

The climb

Keep the faith

Keep your faith

Don't you feel like when you get through something big then life should get easy, but it doesn't? Life is full of hard times and I have had my fair share of those times. I have had times where I doubt myself to the very core and think I'll never get to be what i am trying to be. But just like this song says, there's always going to be another mountain and it's not about how fast I get there, but that I do get there and it's about the growth I experience while trying. And really, when I look back at the times in my life when I have been tested the most and had to try my hardest, I realize that those are the things that made me strong, that gave me character, that made me, me. So, I am calling this my new theme song. "The Climb".

Playlist

First of all, I need to say thank you to all of you. I really have the best bloggy friends and I have realized how much I need you guys and this blog. I never imagined how much time my blog would take, but I also never imagined how therapeutic blogging would be either. I really appreciate all of the sweet and uplifting comments left by you guys. Thank you! You will never know how much I needed it.
Wow, what a week. I can't wait until Sunday when I can sleep in a little and I will have no meetings! Woohoo! So, this morning we got up earlier than usual to get the kids off to school in their Halloween costumes. A Greek goddess, a viking, and a mummy and I forgot to take pictures, but seriously don't even care because I'm just glad they had costumes. Today I have to make 40 bars of soap for the school Halloween Carnival and while I'm waiting for the glycerin to melt I'm sneaking in a post. I only have 15 posts left before my 200th and I've already started working on my blog makeover!


Now for something I've been wanting to do for a while. How many of you have playlists? I love Playlist.com. I didn't know until a couple of weeks ago that you can follow each others playlists which I think is awesome because then you can go in and see what they listen to.


So here is my playlist.

I am always adding to it (like every day), so if you want to follow me, you can go find me on playlist.com.  I'm kerripchef. And if you let me know how to find your playlist I'll listen to it next time I'm doing the dishes or making dinner and all that other crap I do. And if you don't have a playlist and would like to make one, it' s really easy and free, so go do it!

Have a very happy Halloween!

Okay, this gave me my much needed laugh for the day!  I just spent the last 60 seconds laughing until I cried and then baby J walked in and looked at me and started laughing.  I guess it's good to see his mom happy.
Do you think this reporter felt stupid?

Tired and lost

It's 9:30 at night and I know I should be in bed. For the last 2 weeks i have been getting to sleep at 2:00 am. Don't ask me why. Just stuff to do. Or because it's the only time people aren't needing me and I am really craving alone time lately. I have had so much on my mind. i think I've been going through a weird time lately and I find myself really on edge a lot. My fuse has been really short with my kids and I feel bad, but I can't seem to enjoy them lately.


I'd like to know one thing. When and how does a child finally learn to be responsible even just a little bit? My oldest 2 are pretty responsible and it seems like they always have been. But my third child (H) is driving me insane. Really, he is. He is a really good boy, but he jsut doesn't seem to be learnign what i am trying so hard to teach him about responsibility. Within minutes of him waking up, I have had it with him and when he leaves for school I breathe a huge sigh of relief every day. If I want him to get ready i have to follow him around everywhere he goes and watch him or he will get distracted and stop getting ready. If I tell him to go get his socks he will be gone for a while until I go find him playing in his room or laying on his bed. But usually fighting with his brother.


I am sooo frustrated with him when it comes to reading. He has level reading books he is supposed to bring home, read, get signed and take back to school and get more. Most days he leaves them in his back pack and his teacher has no idea he even brought them back. Today he turned them in and got new ones, but left them in his cubby. I am sooooo frustrated. Then the teacher writes on his progress report that if we will work on reading and returning his books he will really improve. Well, it seems impossible and I am so close to having a breakdown.


My 2nd child wears glasses and his teacher wrote a note to me about working on him bringing his glasses to school everyday. Sounds great to me except for the fact that they are lost. It seems that about every week he was needing them readjusted. Well one Saturday I took him in and we had them readjusted. The next day he didn't know where they were. It has been a month now and guess what? Still no glasses. You would think that after a month they would've shown up. They are either underneath furniture or outside. If they are outside it wouldn't be the first time. How can I go buy him new glasses just for him to loose them again? I can't.


I feel like laying down and giving up. Seriously, Idon't know how to manage at all any more. Right now, i just want someone to take me away from all of this and I feel guilty for feeling that way. I can't think of one single thing that could fix the way I feel. If it wasn't for my 3 older kids kids being in school every day i would seriously go insane.
I'm sorry, for this bummer post. I just want my life to be fixed and easy and it's nothing even close to easy. For now, I'm going to go to bed and hope the sun is shining tomorrow.

How about some honesty?

Sweet Kaleena over at McNabb Land gave me, and 6 other bloggers this award and even though she said it was in no particular order, I really like that she listed me first.

The Honest Scrap Award is given to those whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you. It does come with a few rules and the rules are as follows:


1)You must thank the person who gave the award and list their blog and link it.

2) You must share "10 Honest Things" about yourself.

3) You have to present this award to 7 others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.

4) Last, you must tell those 7 people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP and inform them of these guidelines in receiving the award.

I'm flattered that Kaleena thinks my blog is brilliant! Hopefully she won't change her mind now that there is no Percocet involved. She will probably send someone to hurt me so I will have to go on it again, just for her entertainment.

Okay, here we go...10 honest things about me: This is not going to be easy.

1. Right at this moment i wish i wasn't a mother. Just overwhelmed. I know later i will love it again.

2. I rarely make my bed.

3. At night, I'm so tired that i throw my clothes on the floor by my bed until i have a big pile to deal with. The I clean it up and promise myself that I will keep my room clean from then on, but I never do. I actually break a lot of promises to myself.

4. My first kiss was when i was 14, even though i had promised myself i would wait until i was 16. His name was Dale and i thought i was in love and our first kiss was horrible. Once we figured it out, we were always making out in the hallway by my locker. This one better not backfire on me later. My daughter and possible some of my Young Women read this blog. Girls, i'm not saying it was a good thing to do or that you should do it. You shouldn't. I'm just being honest.

5.i take an antidepressant and i've never gotten why it's taboo to admit it. As far as i know, nobody's perfect, so why pretend to be?

6. When i get really mad i throw things and break things and slam doors and get really irrational and swear and say things i completely regret afterwards. This has become more rare with age, but every once in a while.... and i only swear when i'm really mad.

7. i had my last 2 babies without an epidural. I took hypnobirthing classes and my midwifes were in awe of how i handled it. The student midwife told me she had never seen anything like it before and she was really inspired by me. I was pretty calm. I had to be or i would lose my head.

8. But when i was in labor with my last baby i had to bite my tongue hard when i had the strong urge to say "I wan't my Mommy" when i needed to push and they told me to wait a minute.

9. Speaking of pregnancy, i love it (except the sick part) and think i look better pregnant. Not to brag, but i am pretty hot when i'm pregnant. Anyone need a surrogate? E mail me!

10. In the 4th grade, i got in a fight with a girl (Laura). My friends said they would back me up but hen they didn't. I was pretty small and she was pretty big and she totally beat the crap out of me. But when my little sister started yelling at her to get off of me and crying, we took a break from our fight so i could give my sister a hug and tell her it was okay. I was covered in mud and when i got home, my sister distracted my Mom while i changed my muddy clothes. The next day, me and Laura were friends again. I didn't tell my parents until i was an adult and now me and my sister look back on it and laugh. Good times.


Can I keep going past 10 now?


11. I still dream about my ex-boyfriend even though it's been 13 years since we broke up.


12. Sometimes I dream that i am still single and getting really panicky because i'm not married yet and i'm getting to be an old maid and all of the guys left are losers and i still live withmy parents. Usually at the end of the dream i remember that i'm married to Troy and i feel total relief.


13. When i was 7 years old and my mom made me feed my baby sister her bottle i had strong urges to bite her hand. (sorry Amber) I don't think i actually did it. If i did, no wonder you hated me growing up.


14. My prom date was from out of state. We had broken up because he moved out of state, but he did come back and take me to prom and my parents let him stay at our house and sleep in the living room on the couch. When my parents went to sleep i snuck into the living room so we could make out. My poor parents! I will never ever let my kid's boyfriend/girlfriend stay at our house over night! Don't trust your teenagers! They are naughty.


Okay, I better stop now. You know, I hate choosing people to give the award to because I love all of the blogs I read and that's why I read them. So, I give this award to any of my readers who want to do it! It's hard to think of 10 honest things at first, but fun too.